Admit It…

On the morning of Saturday, March 30th,1996 in Trinidad & Tobago a baby girl was born. Her mom had her on the 3rd month of the year, the 30th day, 3 days after her birthday and she had just turned 33. 330333. For her mom, it was supposed to be a one night stand that lasted for 3 days. On the 3rd day, to her Mother's surprised, she was conceived with a Baby. Just a fun fact about this magical soul. Coincidence, maybe, maybe not. While her mother was pregnant with her while living on the streets, a Nun took Jaishema into a shelter and gaved her daughter her first name upon her birth. She is now known as Abigail M M.... Numbers 757. Growing up I was no ordinary girl. I was fast as a bee & wild as a bear. I was always dirty since my brother and I lived in an abandon house, deep in the bushes with my mentally ill mother. We hardly had food to eat, no running water or electricity. Inside the abandoned house was only an old mattress, a pot with charcoals, newspapers, a few pieces of clothing and little food. Such a tom boy I always ran off to enjoy nature. I was always missing from my mother's view, either to be found high up in a tree or in the dirt looking for lizard eggs. I though they were so cute and tiny. I used to think I was keeping an eye on them making sure they were safe. I was the most beautiful little girl who as an adult carry the same face. I wore a lot of dresses that was sadly covered in mud where the details and colors were no longer visible. I enjoyed climbing the tallest trees. My favorite is the fruit trees because it makes you feel like the climb was worth it. Mango trees Ummmmhhhh. Either way to me the climb was worth it because when you have reached the top you can now sit and enjoy the view. Its weird because now that I am older, I have a fear of heights. Probably because I have gotten so used to holding on to the tree branches and always being in control of whether I fall or not. I enjoyed building huts out of coconut leaves and doing everything I was told not too do. I enjoyed eating cups of milk & sugar since that was my main source of food. I hated when my mother would tell me to mix my juice with water because it was watery and didn't taste as good as it should have. We used charcoals to brush our teeth since my mother couldn't afford toothpaste. It worked like a charm, she always made sure my teeth was pearly white. To use the bathroom we had to poop on newspapers and pee outside under the house. We would use an oil lamp to see in the night for both outside and inside. My little brother do not remember as much as I do since I was older. He used to stay in the house with my mother while I walked for what seems like miles to a 4 year old for drinking water, since he was a baby at the time and could not make the walk. I remembered one day I fell into the ditch of water and I receive unexpected strength that helped pulled me to safety. The tap was really high but underneath my feet was wooden boards and under that was a hole of water. I guess the water pressure was so strong that the excess water made a deep pool so for no one to fall there was a wood dock nailed together to make a walkway to the tap. My feet slipped and I fell in! Holding on the the foundation, my feet was too short to pull myself up to reach the board. I then kept on trying and out of nowhere I was able to do it as if my feet wasn't to short anymore. Someone unseen helped me up. My mother showed me how to be tuff on my own as far back as I can remember, she showed me how to properly balance a bucket of water on my head so that I can carry it easier. I even saved my mothers life once by saying the word STOP. One day our neighbor killed a huge snake as long as an Anaconda and wanted to show my mother. Mean while a few minutes before I was high up in the trees when a snake fell trying to reach down and bite me. I kept on enjoying the wild as I heard my neighbor screaming go get your mom. I went inside but she send me back outside and told me to tell him that she is cooking. When my mom finally came outside the man took his cutlass/ machete and tried to chop my mom up to death. They were running around in circles and I didn't know what to do. I thought to myself if I screamed no-one would hear me, if I ran I would not make it in time or maybe he would run after me and kill me too. That was when I realized that this is a spiritual fight. In that moment I believed in my inner power that whatever I wanted from life, I can and will make happen. At that moment I wanted him to stop and he would obey my command. In that moment of life I realized that I only had myself and that the only solution to this problem is in me. What I need is in my soul. When all physical self is abandoned, when all physical self disappears, when you realize that the physical self can no longer help you, it is only ONE option left. In you! Your soul! I am the one that determines how this is going to end. I screamed STOP with all my might as hard as I can for as long as I could have. The man then stopped looked at me waving his machete and said you are lucky and went back inside. This goes to show you how crazy people really are and the reasons why we need to separate good from evil once and for all. Something so simple as a lack of attention or praise from others can drive someone to do anything to get the feeling they want. I should not have know that the world was evil under the age of 5. Around the age of five, one day a woman visited my home from another country to find me a safer home. It was a rainy day out, I was busy playing with my Barbie's, outside when I saw this strange lady came walking up towards the steps. I stood there confused as she said the words " I am your sister" …… I started yelling as to why no-one told me I had a sister. No-one had mentioned her before but I knew I had several brothers. She came because the home I once knew with my mother was become unsafe day by day since her mental illness was getting worst. P.s I found out I have more sisters when I grew older. Many years back my mother was the most beautiful person. I got the chance to see a picture of my mother before she got sick with mental illness. She was full of beauty for all, posing as if she was a model with an artistic talent many will gladly wish to posses. She created the most beautiful wedding cakes. Sadly not everything stays the way we would like. Growing up I was told by my sister and family members that my mother was abused badly by her mother to the point she sometimes made my mom have sex in the bar she owned so that she can keep the money to herself. When my mom tried to play with her toys her mother would beat her and flush it down the toilet. As my mom got older she tried finding ways to cope. From running away, to alcohol to drugs to stories of people working black magic on my mother`s mind because of her beauty. I may never know the truth. But what I do know is that she has lost what she really loved..... Her kids, her mind & her lifestyle. She had big dreams that were left unaccomplished. Because of her mental state, she often was afraid of the outside world hurting us so she used to have several pad locks on the door at once. Maybe 6 or so to give a picture. She was so focus on locking the doors when we left for outside to the point locking us outside the house and forgetting the keys inside was was a normal thing. She then would push me up a wall into a whole leaving her fate to a 1 year old to climb in and retrieve the keys. Now you see why at 4 I was basically climbing things as high as a coconut tree. So when I was off missing high in the trees, while she was scared of my safety she knew what I was capable at since 1 so a part of her always knew I was smart and capable of great things. As I was growing up, I would catch her dazing out looking into my eyes. She never stopped, don't matter how old I had grown. Fast Forward my brother was taken in by his father but my father was busy with his own family and his woman at the time did not want me to be apart of their lives. He cheated on his wife with my mother creating me. Maybe because of shame he left without looking back! Well I'm not 100% sure because as a kid an older male used to give me money on my walk home from school. He handed me money almost everyday from maybe when I was 11-13. He used to stand on a corner at a pubic place where I knew he couldn't hurt me so I used to take the money being that at home I only got $1 to go to school with. The man only says hi, smiles and gives me money as I continue my walk home. So back a little, I was taken to my brother's house where he said " She is not my responsibility & neither is she yours, you should return her to where you got her from. I was also told that the rest of my family excuses was no different along with the words, " she looks just like her mother, she will turn out to be like crazy her mother too. We do not want that responsibility." My sister said that she went crying to her friends that no-one wants me and she does not know what to do with me. She searched everywhere but no-one would take me in. She did not want to leave the country knowing I was not safe. Jackpot, I was taken in by them, complete strangers to me at the time. I was greeted by dogs surrounding me trying to rip me to pieces. I screamed as loud as a trumpet & quickly climbed up the fence. They were told by their owner to leave me alone as I slowly came back down to the ground. When I got inside I had a bath with clean clothes waiting for me & the most delicious food I have ever eating. I was not told the words I love you growing up but by the way I was taken care of I read in-between the lines & knew that they loved me. I was taught to hunt in the wild & shoot shotguns, learned how to cook by my aunt and her mother. I was taught how to fish and anything to do with the wild and nature by my Uncle Danny. Everytime I looked bored I was told to go and read a book by him. I had many toys as a kid from dolls to guns I had it all. I had lots & lots of guns, whether I was outside shooting or cooking for my dolls anytime my uncle saw me outside he would always tell me to go & pick up a book. I never understood why since he was the one that taught me the outside things. He loved me in his own special way. My aunt would be the one to cook for the household and wash my clothes, while her mother would make sure I ate breakfast before school and got me dressed. My aunt always did my hair and helped with my homework. She treated me as her own child since she had none of her own at the time. Shortly after I started getting comfortable I was being sexually assaulted by an older kid of the family for the six to seven years I lived there. I was not the only one though, a older girl also staying there had to have sexual intercourse with him also. I was so scared & confused bring only 6 to tell anyone because he would tell lies on me when I said no and made me get beatings. Most of my beatings growing up was for something they did and he would put the blame on me. I would tell the truth that I did not do it but it seemed as if no one believed me. Since then I started lying to protect myself. It just became a part of me over the years to protect myself as best as I could. It got worst when it was time for me to eat, he would take the good foods out of my plate and give me everything he didn't like which turned out to be the same foods I didn't like either. I was always the last one at the dinner table, sometimes I would get beatings because I was sitting at the table for hours. As a child I could not leave the dinner table unless I ate all my food. I started getting smart by hiding the foods in my underwear, doors, toy box and fed it to the dogs. I sometimes had to hide from him because he would make me kneel in a corner for hours or have me sit with my thumbs sticking straight up while my back was completely straighten for hours. He would tell me if anyone asked what was wrong with me and to why I was like that to not speak because he would tell them I did something wrong so that I can get a beating. It felt like I couldn't speak for an entire year but only in school. I did not know what was going on because I did not believe an adult can fall for so many lies and not get to the bottom of me no longer speaking words. That did not make sense to me as a child. I always wanted to tell my sister or mom but everytime they called the adults would always stand by the phone to monitor our conversations. They even monitored when my mother would visit me all the way up until she left. Over the years I found a way to escape by running away to my mind. Unaware to me that I was practicing the art of meditation. I used this method so much that I developed a side where I was entering other dimensions. I taught I was just having the same dream for months where I would always start off from where I had left off the night before. Unknown to me I started accessing a higher power and knowledge. I still used this method to stay true to my human values in life & to always help find my way back to my chosen path. One night instead of me going to the place I visited for months, I felt something heavy crawling up the bed onto my chest. The place I was going to was a cemetery with 2 trees that were dried up and scary. They were alive and would try to attack me. That night as I closed my eyes, before I can even fall asleep, I was greeted by the Devil himself as a snake. Even though my eyes was closed I saw him clear as day about to bite me. At the time I was afraid of snakes so I prayed & held my breath while praying until I passed out. I woke up the next morning to me screaming in fear. I noticed that the wooden antique bed was cracked in half & the floor was stained blood red as if it was an old deep stain that was there for 1000 years. I rubbed and rubbed to no success of removing it. My aunt quickly ran to my screams as I told them about the snake. Everyone kept asking " Are you sure that it was not a bird that got inside?" I said no, my eyes was closed but I saw it as if my eyes was open. The snake was about to bite me before I passed out from holding my breath while praying to God for help. Strangely they never asked about the bed being cracked or the deep red stain at the foot of the bed. But weirdly my pastor came by later on that same day, blessed & prayed for me. A short while after he left, my aunt said she saw a snake outside and to run as fast as I could and bring her the cutlass/ machete before it gets away. Like I had mentioned earlier I am a fast runner so a short while after I bring her the cutlass/ machete she told me that she thinks she got it, she was not sure because it slid away quickly. I never got a chance to see it. I was then sent to do my daily chores of picking up the ripe fruits that fell on the ground from all our different types of fruit tress like, mangos, plums, guavas and passion fruit and putting it into a bucket so that my aunt and grandmother can make fresh juices and jams or cakes etc. As I was walking outside the fence picking up the fruits I saw a baby snake dead in the drain with the same colors just the opposite ways. They were both red, black and white. One is supposed to be poison and one is not. Then also, at that time I used to steal the church offerings to buy snacks. Everyone would be nice to me because they knew my life, they thought I was innocent and being one of the kids of the church, the pastor would leave me in the room with the baskets of money. Noone found out but somehow I think he knew. On my way home from school I would see a strange making coffins by pastor, since that was my past has side job. It was a regular thing to see him making call friends on my way home. no strange man that used to work with him but also stand on a corner and give me money what my pastor knowing, or so I think. This is why today I believe it was the devil himself. Maybe from stealing from God or me traveling to places inwardly. I would steal on a daily from someone else $20 US a day which was $120 in my country. I did it for years, I would spend all the money in a day or snacks, music players and crazy things that made me happy. I would stop t Alot of stores on my walk home from home and steal from everyone. No one suspect Because they saw me as innocent. I was smart enough to avoid all cameras. I became aware from an early age that there is something going on in this world that many are not willing to talk about or fight. When spoken of, the world then labels you to be crazy or not normally forcing you to feel left out or unworthy. I promised the world at the age of 5 that I will stop your suffering and I haven't loat hope in this. The older I got, the more I realized someone has to change the world before it is too late. From then on whenever I have questions about life, instead of turning to man himself, I turn to this hidden knowledge inside of me where I have learned a lot over the years. This hidden knowledge is inside all of us. It is up to us to figure out how to access it and reign our world. We all have our own demons to fight but it is up to us to have the knowledge we need to come out winner's in life. It is time to put a stop to the world saying we are not normal but they are. We are infact the normal one's, and the world is crazy. Those that chooses to stay in ignorance would be left behind and those that chooses to find the light and the cause of our sufferings would be the SAVED ONES. Those that listens but do not believe, support but do not understand, give but do not agree would also be saved. Those that live in total ignorance, shutting out all words and actions would be the ones that would be left behind in the end to serve us. You see my mother's mom grew up the same way now that she is older she is bitter and racist. Growing up my oldest brother to also be racist. One time he took me for the summer, he told me not to go outside and play when the sun is out because I was getting to black. My friends was calling me to show me that they learned how to do a black flip but my brother ended up coming home from work early and caught me outside. He got so mad that be beat me with all his might using his belt. He is a body builder so you know that was the worst beating I have ever gotten in my lifetime, for being black. My mothers family is Indian so you know they own business such as bars and wearhouses but yet I have always struggled in life because of my mother's choice to love black men. My grandmother saw her very own mother being physical and emotionally abused by her own father. I even heard stories of her dad hanging her mom because she kept on making girl children and he wanted a boy so that our legacy to be passed on to him. My grandmother even thought my older brother to be racist to the point he dont like dark skinned women, nore have I even seen him dating a black women. So instead of my grandmother fighting her demons, she let them influence her to the point that this curse was passed down to my mother and her children. My grandmother spoiled all her grandkids but my mom kids which include me since we all had black fathers. With all this bad luck my family is still doing well for themselves back home, while I'm in a foreign country left fighting for myself. My sister took me to the country she lives in inorder to have a better life but we no longer speak. I told her that I was being sexually assaulted all those years when I was almost 15 years old. I told her because she was being mean to me by blaming me for past actions and constantly trying to put her hands on me without trying to see that I am not a bad person at all. Yes the older I got the more bad I had grew. From lying to fighting to bullying kids. I do not regret the things that made me a better person. My experiences is what made me a truly unique person. In my high school in Trinidad I was on my 9 suspension in only 2 years. I used to do stupid shit, like flooding the school bathroom, to making fun of teachers, to crazy glueing someone to their chair, to putting condoms and spit in a girls hair etc. I realized that I was a leader because everyone is willing to follow me, good or bad. I took advantage of my power over other's Because growing up everyone overlooked me. When I speak and join conversations, it's as if they cannot hear my world's, leaving me to watch the world go on without me. One day rhings change and ever since, wveryo wants my attention. Strangely these people are still in my life today asking for life advises. I was not kicked out of the school system because I was and still am a very smart lady but I was kicked out of the house. I had to go home else and shortly after my first high School principal and got so tired of my behavior that she lied to one of her friends and saying that I was a good kid so that way she can transferr me to her high School. It's funny because one day the new principal looked at me and she said I do not know why my friend lied to me but you're a horrible student. Don't matter how bad I had grown to be, I always passed my classes. I came to America after this girl took my head and started banging it into a wooden desk. Long story short I blacked out, everyone said I turned into hulk. No-one could contain me because of my strength, not the security guards, or principal or the hundreds of kids that was at school that day. I was told by the doctor that my strength levels measure in the high 80's, which is the strength of a man. I got up as she started running to the ground floor out of 3 floors in total. I took an iron chair while I waited for her to run into my view to throw it at her. I threw it down but missed her by an inch. I was about to jump off the second floor of the school so that I can catch up to her. Long story short she apologize but I still got suspended for it even tho it wasn't my fault. Someone told her that I said something about her mother and her mother is dead. I told her I don't know what she talking bout which was the truth. I was pretty popular in my first highschool and In the second, still so but not as much. I used my attention to follow the wrongs paths. Next thing you know I was on an airplane heading to America after one last incident because a group of men would be riding around the house trying to kidnap me, to not talk. While everything was going on It was Carnival in my country. I basically didn't want to go back home because everyone has washed their hands on me. I stayed out on the streets parting and dancing on big music trucks while drinking. I ended up being caught by someone I knew. When I first got onto the truch no1 was behind it, a short while I had alot of people following me partying with me. I ended up being pulled off the truck by the cops like 3 days later. The sister of the lady that looked after me when I was younger was the police officer that found me. The cops was looking for me. She then told her brother to take me home and instead of thim taking me home, he brought me more liquor. I dranked more and kept parting. I was so drunk drinking liquor that is 99% alcohol. Shortly after he took me to some place and tried raping me. I fought him off, kicked his penis and then ran out of his view. He was in his mid 30's at that time. I then went and kept partying to hide the big mess of a life I had. I mean what else could I have done when everyone gaved up on me. No1 believed I could have changed or have a successful future. I did all the wrongs and those that did wrong, every1 blamed me for being the leader. As a kid the adults would say no1 told her to do that but she told everyone to do what they did. I came to America and now my old ways no longer serves me. I treat others the way I would like to be treated. I found courage by holding on to hope & faith that everything has to come to an end one day. I still carried over some of my old ways into the U.S but as I am older and wiser my old ways no longer served me, if people cannot understand my past there is no need for them to be apart of my future. I have decided a long time ago to be strong enough on my own for the ones that has it worst than me. To always be grateful for the little I do have for to someone else it is a lot. To teach myself what love is and to pass it on too my fellow creatures that does not know what it feels like to be loved. To choose love over hate. Together with our own unique stories we can stand up & change our future. To separate the good from the bad & multiply the good. We will break the curses of darkness and reclaim the light. We will follow our own paths too the road of awareness and win our world back from evil. We will survive because we made it our Destinies to. As one we will get the victory we deserve. We are almost there.... To our Destinies. The world would soon bow down at our foot, giving us the victory we deserve simple because we believed in something better. And that something better we too deserves to be apart of it simply by our will to change our outcomes. View all posts by 1On1Wisdom