I’m remembering the many times, where I used to try and take my life. The many times I patiently waited for everyone to leave the kitchen so that I can grab a knife without being seen. 6..7…8 years old until early adulthood.
There were so many times where I grabbed that knife and put it to my chest while slowly pushing it into my skin. I do not know if I was just being a Chicken or if I knew that if I no longer exists then my promise to the World would be broken.
For some reason someone would always walk in when I gained enough strength to keep pushing the knife further……. I even got more creative as the years passed by.
One day as I was hanging the washed Laundry on the lines outside, I saw in it a perfect opportunity to be taken. I held my Neck using the clothesline. I failed because it wasn’t enough space under the garage but a line of skin around my Neck was gone. It left the area white as Snow.
No-one had ever suspected what I was up to. I felt like I couldn’t take what the World was dishing out to me.
I remembered one day probably in my late teens, I was on a mission. A mission to take myself out that is. I went to a Local bridge to Jump off. Upon my arrival there were several Cops on boats looking for something in the water….. I waited and waited for what seemed like hours. I sat on a Wooden Bench an marveled at the beautiful water.
***Just a side note…… if I ever get out of hand or life becomes to overwhelming for me, please take me somewhere that has nature and preferably also water in the same place. It will tame the beast or sufferings in me.***
…… Anyways Sadly to me that time it didn’t work. I then left and went back to where I was living. I decided to take pills instead. I wrote everyone in my life at the time a letter and then I headed to the bathroom. Nothing worng with me so far,……. Well other that the few loose screws in my head, that is.
As I was about to take the pills, I felt a raging River in my Stomach, ready to eat any and everything in it’s way. I thought to myself, how is this possible if I wasn’t feeling hungry before writing the letters…. Now I’m feeling as if I was a Snake, ready to swallow a Cow.
I couldn’t bear the pain. I left the bathroom in sort of something to eat. After eating, I then went back into the bathroom to continue what I have started but first I grabbed the Holy Bible. I asked if It was not meant for me to commit this act, to please show me a sign since I’ve been so persistent over the years.
I would still be hard-headed and not know if it’s really a sign because I overthink things. So I then said, whoever created me, you should know that I am stubborn, it takes a lot to convince me that something is really what it is to persuading me.
I then opened the Bible to a random page. I do not remember the page but I remembered what it said. I mean after knowing what it says, how can one forget. The verse said “do not do it for I shall open the gates of heaven and hell”.
At the time I didn’t realize that maybe this is also a hidden message that whatever my purpose is I am needed to be alive so if I am dead then obviously things would fall apart. I then made a promise to myself to not commit Suicide again.
I still tried after but it made me stop for long periods of time, until it’s non existent. If push to the right limits these demons can come to my future. In fact I now carry a very big permanent scar as a symbol of the bloody mess that took place a few months ago. Someone was pushing out the worst in me. I kept begging them to stop and didn’t know what else to do but to take it out on myself since I was having a hard time in controlling them. I could have bled to death. My hand is now week unable to do and move to much. The womb is healed but I’m waiting to gain strength back in the arm. Thank God it is my less dominant hand. I didn’t go to the hospital or get stitches or anything I just put sugar on the bone tied it up you want to sleep with my hands up. the person that was with me actually thought that I was going to bleed to death in my sleep but I already knew that my body was not going to fail me that’s why I did not seek medical attention. Plus I was scared to go to the hospital in the hight of the Covid-19. If that incident doesn’t scare me, no-one can or would but myself. I have to learn to save myself from others before I can save others from other’s or look for others to save me.
Though it did not stop me immediately, it did prolonged the times I didn’t try. I tried give or take, one time until I was going through something really hard. I lost myself for the 100 time and lost all sense of direction.
I used to go outside and think of ways I can kill myself. I would walk to places where nobody would find me and just try to hold my breath or strangle myself and for some reason I always end up crying and being by myself.
There were times where I would just sit outside for hours and at nights where it’s raining or cold I would just sit looking at the world as if I didn’t belong and as If I wasn’t in it. I thought if I go no-one would care and the World would keep on spinning.
As if I didn’t know what else to do Because my happy times were becoming non existent. I just wanted the pain to stop. From walking on the Railroad Tracks, to falling asleep on it, to the point that my body woke me up just before a train went by. I then watched the train as it went by and realized in the wake of the early morning, the World was so still and so beautiful.
It probably was around 3 or 4 in the morning, I was drunk and out of my mind when my Eye’s looked up and saw how beautiful the sky was. The colors, so amazing, the work of art in real life. The trees stood so tall and beautiful, as the Birds sang the beautiful Melody’s of Peace.
The energy of the world crept into my heart and made me enjoy what was around me. I then picked up some sticks, so that I can lay on, being that Rocks was what covered around the Railroad. I laid as I gazed at the beauty in front of my eyes until I fell asleep. I then woke up and walked back to where I was living.
Shortly after life got dark again and I ended up using cable wires and tied it to the ventilation on the ceiling, Hanging myself.
I stood on a wooden chair and jumped as the chair falling to the ground. Panicking with fear as I was choking, my legs somehow reached and got the Chair to stand back up. The ceiling wasn’t too high but it was a decent width. I didn’t expect my feet to reach the chair. When all four legs of the chair was on the floor, I then placed my body onto it, releasing the cord’s from around my Neck.
My last time was always supposed to be the last time, slowly turning into a few more times until one day it was just a bad dream. A typical human behavior that destroys us. This is why my last times are never ending because I truly do not know when was the last time or which time truly came before the last time but I think it may be this one….. Lol.. wait no it’s not because the last time was with my hand.
Anyways ……….. I went through every one of these situations alone. The one or two people that did know, never followed to stop me. All the moments where I really needed someone, turned out to be the moments where I had no-one. Well so I had thought. It is obvious that when the World kept spinning, some things unseen were always there to help me the best that it can or could have. Something or someone has been looking out for me.
Something saw in me what I did not see in myself. If something can protect me like that, then it means that my life is worth living.
Your life is worth living also. The world needs you! If there is no you, our Journey on earth would be prolonged. If you failed and died tomorrow, many would say well that doesn’t affect me. That does not change my life.
Well in fact they are absolutely wrong. What you have to contribute to the world can make the world a greater place. Which would then make my life a great place. Even if you add positive energy to the World, that can take a great burden from my shoulders off. How? Because you are changing the energy in your world, which is changing the overall energy of the World.
The better the energy of the World, the better and easier my life is. So you see, we struggle and feel pain from our failures and the failures of our other beings. Our life is hard because of our failures.
The less we fail the more we will Prevail-Abigail M.
If any of you leave the World before it is your time, it is a sin because you have not only stolen from yourself and from your Creators, but you have also stolen from me.
You being on Earth is to the best of my interest. The more we Succeed in good, the better my life and your life will be. The World would be a much better place because you are in it.
Its as simple as not doing bad so that the whole world can stop feeling bad. We all deserve the best, we all deserve to be happy… can’t we just try extra hard to not fail so that we can Change the lives of eachother?!
If you go, then who else would do your purpose? No one…… Only you hold the keys to your purpose. If you are not on Earth then there is no one to take your place. This means that the world would never change or at least not anytime soon that is.For the people that changes it, they would be the ones that suffers the most. Why? Because they have to fulfill a mission without a key handed to them.
The same way you cannot recreate the exact same person, is the same way you cannot create the same key or purpose for a new person. This means that the people that do change this World, will have to go on a path that comes with a lot of pain. A path far different from many.
It is to this pain where a lot of people lose their souls to evil and death. If the person who’s purpose it was, had fulfilled his purpose, it would not have caused so much pain. They had the key inside of them before they got here, so finding the path and the key would not have been so hard or painful for them, than another.
For the man that did not hold the key inside of him, he has to go in search of things that he does not know, he has to go in places that he does not want and he has to see and feel things that he rather not. This is to make him think and see a certain way so that he himself can recreate that key or even a better version of that key. This is something that is impossible to do in a single lifetime. To recreate a lost key of the past is truly a blessing for one to accomplish in a single lifetime.
It takes more than a lifetime to recreate something so special. What if you are the one that could recreate the key of the past that someone else had failed on…… then what happens to everyone else if you are no longer on earth?! That means that we failed and then failed again because you were the one that was going to fix the past mistakes.
For now we have failed because we have failed ourselves… this is why it is important to never listen to someone when they tell you another man’s failure, is not your failure because that is far from the truth.
If you succeed, I succeed, if I fail you fail. Hero is the man that can live his entire life and serve his purpose. A purpose that will turn old failures into new Successes. We all need to live out our entire lives so that we can bring New Life into this dying… World.
I figured I should open up more to all of you, to show that I am no different or better than any other. I am simply human, trying to hold on to life and hope. Fighting for things I do not understand or yet see, all in the name of Happiness. I want to be happy and never get it take away by another. I want to be happy for Eternity and I WANT YOU TO WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR ETERNITY ALSO.
Remember to be kind to yourself and to the World. Never give up, don’t matter how cruel life can be towards you. You may never know who is watching you and who is depending on you. Know that it is ok to fall, but it is never ok to stay down.
The person that is watching you might be the one that wants to be like you. It is only rite that you be the best you, so that others can see and know that they too can stand tall like you…… And the person that might be depending on you, could be the World. In fact, more importantly, the person that is depending on you, could be and is you. ………..
So if you fail, it’s not going to just be the World that you are failing but you would also be failing yourself also. That to me is the true definition of a SIN. When you have failed everything and also yourself, is when you will be fully covered in defeat. Taking away from the World and yourself isn’t the rite thing to do. We can always fix our failures or others past failures once we still have life left in us. It is never to late, until death in the body, then we have no choice but to wait on the living to do what we didn’t.
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